The Cannonball Cabaret Review 7.0
Electric Lady Land
Have you ever travelled around in an area for years and have simply not noticed that a place exists? I personally go down to the Steeles and Dixie area ALOT for both business and personal reasons and have been in, out, up and around there more times than I can count. For one, there is Comic Book Warehouse hidden among the back alleys of those little industrial complexes along with some pretty damned good Indian food restaurants. Yet little did I know that right around the corner from one of my favourite haunts was The Cannonball Cabaret and on a night when all the high school kids around Ontario were enjoying their prom, the team and I were going to a different kind of dance.
Now when I start a review by saying that the team and I had been in the area for one reason or another for years and never knew the location of The Cannonball Cabaret, your first thought would be that the place is hard to find. This, however, is very far from the truth as it’s probably one of the easiest places to find. Turn south at the corner of Steeles and Dixie and simply turn left at the next set of lights ( Advance Blvd. ) and it is just on your right hand side when you see a lot of flashing neon. I mean usually we’re hunting down landmarks, taking shortcuts, and parking wherever we can and not have to pay for it, but this time all we had to do was drive and turn a corner at a set of lights and we were in their parking lot looking up at their purple marquee and the flashing neon dancing girls on the front of the building. Of course the next question that needs to be answered is the very tender subject of parking since the location is far from any kind of subway station. You’re either going to have to drive, take a taxi or know your bus schedule like the back of your hand. There is a pretty decent sized lot on site and if you’re lucky like we were, you might just get a spot right up front when someone leaves but there is also an absolutely monster sized lot right across the street for your strip club parking convenience.
Now as we came in the door and were greeted by the nice man with the head set and the unique scrap of authority that his job and build afford him, we were carded and set loose inside without the hassle of a coat check or a cover charge. Not because we are anyone special or that they knew who we were, they just don’t happen to have either of those things at this club on any day of the week or any hour. What they DO have when you walk in is probably one of the most anti climatic entrances that a club could possibly have. On the right is a couple of old naked light bulbs and two old pool tables and if you’re lucky a pretty girl might just be playing pool and her mini skirt might be up a little too high when she goes to take that first shot. Nothing is spectacular and it would seem like the place has nothing to offer you in the way of entertainment. On the left side of the entrance however, is probably one of the most insane club environments we’ve been to in the last little while and count yourselves blessed if you can find a seat in it because brother on this night the place was fucking packed. After fighting our way through the dense crowds to a table that had just been cleared and cleaned, we sat and took the place in as the hoots, cat calls and table slapping of the happy customers echoed all around us in a chorus of pure half drunken manliness.
The walls, the ceiling and the stage of The Cannonball Cabaret all have one thing in common and that is that they are all an electrical company’s wet dream come true, as all are decorated and glowing with strip lights of every shape color and design. They are the only source of light for the main floor of club but trust me, the last thing you have to worry about is being able to see in the dark since there are just so many of them. The stage is not that great with a small staircase on the left side for the girls to walk up, a small mirrored back, a horizontal dancer bar at about 4 feet high and a vertical brass pole sticking up into the ceiling on the left hand side. On all sides are beer ads but you would never notice them because the things blocking those pesky ads from view are the inhabitants of perverts’ row and damned if they aren’t the rowdiest bastards we’ve seen in a long time. Slapping the stage in time with the music so that they drown out the beat, jumping up on stage with a 10 dollar bill in their mouths and enough alcohol fueled bro-mance that you could cut it with a chainsaw.
The service at Cannonball is pretty quick and friendly for how swamped they got and I’ve gotta say I was impressed that they dared to come out and serve us as close to perverts’ row as we were. One waitress wasn’t so lucky as the gents in front of us scooped her up as she approached us with a beaming smile and a note pad and after tips and gropes they sent her off with orders for another massive collection of Budweiser and multi-colored liver killers. But eventually, one of them made it to us and even came back with our drinks in time to duck out of helping the poor tiny blonde carrying all those beers to the boys in the row. The girls are friendly but a bit too business for my taste with that classic, “So you want a dance?” approach to first impressions and initial introductions. Yet of course this place was packed wall to wall with testosterone so one can forgive a bit of a hasty approach when you’re trying to make sure that everyone had a good time before they head out to their cars. The dances at Cannonball, in case you were wondering, are gonna run you the standard 20 dollars per song with no extra cost to get into the back area. The “VIP” for total lack of a better word is a DARK and friendless place where you trip over other people and then if you’re lucky you get to see a glimpse of what is withering around on your lap before the song ends. With little or no lighting in most spots it’s just kind of disappointing that they seem to end all customer service and apparently lighting when you cross that threshold. I mean with all the rest of the place COVERED in strip lights you would think they had a little left over so you can see where the hell you are going back there let alone see who is leading you around by the……nose.
All in all, I’m still surprised that in all my visits to the area I had never seen the place and for that matter had not heard anything about it. With a place this busy you would think a little word of mouth would have reached our ears by this point but I guess the locals are trying to keep all the entertainment for themselves. However, we found it and we hope that you find it just as easily and if you have half as good a time, you’ll find your way back.
Review Date: May 23rd 2009
Tagged adult entertainment, Cannonball Cabaret, gentlemen's club, Lap Dance, Lap Dancing, Nude Dancing, nudie bars, skin bars, Strip Bar, Strip Joint, Striptease, titty bars, Toronto Strip Club Reviews