Matheson’s Exotic Bar Review 7.5
The Name Is The Thing
We get asked a lot of questions here at xxxToronto.com and they range anywhere from, “How do you guys do your reviews?” to “Do you guys prefer large clubs or small bars?” Well those are good questions and we can answer both of them for you in today’s review. How we do our reviews is pretty damned simple; we ( the review team ) pick out a club, hop in the car and drive down looking for a good time. We almost never tell them that we are coming and then using our own standards of judgement, we set about reviewing the establishment while we drink and cavort with half naked women. Yes, yes I know it sounds like a hell of a tough job and quite frankly it is most of the time as we don’t get paid much and it’s more for the sake of letting all you people out there know if it’s a good club or not.
This week we drove down in the car with music blaring and several rounds of various car games of decreasing immaturity so that we were in the right frame of mind to stare at boobs and drink large amounts of grain alcohol. Our target this week was Matheson’s Exotic Bar and I have to say they couldn’t have picked a duller name for a funner place if they tried. But at least with a name like that you know what it is that you’re getting; a Bar on Matheson that is Exotic. So as we turned off Dixie and drove just about 2 minutes, our quarry was square in our sites and the only remaining question we had was where the hell was the parking lot. Just down the back alley and in behind the bar is where we and several dozen other patrons had stashed their cars before heading inside. From the looks of it, it didn’t seem like your average titty bar and yet it certainly didn’t have the grandiose stature and flashing neon marquee of a major league strip club either. What we found as we opened the door however, was pure 100% undiluted titty bar and it put a smile on our faces larger than the breasts on the waitresses.
I guess now you can figure out the answer to that second question you all had for us; we LOVE titty bars. There’s just something about an unpretentious, stand up establishment that hits you right between the eyes with nudity and booze. As we entered, three pool tables caught our eye as we don’t play enough for our liking and there was a Golden Tee Golf in the far corner next to the cash machine. They promised a night of wasted money and frequent cursing as we generally come up FAR under par but it’s just too damned fun a game not to play. We had barely stepped in the front door and were already enjoying ourselves. We tripped over those little coin op vending machines full of peanuts, cashews and other salty treats that we haven’t seen in practically forever and it was these little things that were really making us fall in love with the place. We found ourselves a table close enough to the stage so that we didn’t miss a thing but close enough to the plasma screen television that we could still watch UFC out of the corner of our eyes as one of us cares just a little too much about UFC and was bitching that we were missing the main event with our long drive.
His complaints were soon quieted when our smiling waitresse appeared out of nowhere to take our drink orders and was back again with the same pleasant white toothed grin as she brought them back in record time. With all eyes but mine focused on the absolutely STUNNING ebony goddess on stage, I gave the place the once over and was happy to say that it was just about perfect if you’re looking for a bar to sit and enjoy a good beer and good times with friends in the company of women who will dance on your lap for money. The stage was your pretty standard fare in that there was a back runway with a pole on the far right and a dog’s leg runway sticking out of the left side with a second pole and a rounded end for the girls to give the audience more thrills. A mirror and a beer advertisement banner are hung in the background of the stage and with its wavy build it doesn’t serve much in the way of reflecting anything but it looks good and that’s certainly something.
It should be said that the girls of Matheson’s are so damned pretty that you probably won’t even notice the mirror in the first place so it’s a moot point in the face of overwhelming stripper beauty. One of our team is still talking about the, “ best breasts he has ever seen in his life” ,on a young lady with an untraceable Euro accent named, Victoria. The dance he got from her ran him the usual 20 dollar per song fee and he was happy to report that there was no extra 10 dollar fee to get back into the VIP section. But he was on the other hand too drunk to give us an accurate description of what it was like and was also probably hypnotized by her swelling bosom to notice anything else. However, one thing we did notice is that as we finished drink after drink, our waitresses would mystically just appear as that empty bottle or cup hit the table with her usual smile and ask us if we would like another. We’ve had good service before in a great many places but it was just as if she had spooky waitress powers to know the exact moment we needed a fresh one and that’s just too fucking cool.
In the end ,Matheson’s is pretty much the perfect place for the average man or woman for that matter to stop in and get an eye full while enjoying a decently priced drink served quick and friendly just the way you would want it. Many different bars and clubs try to be something they’re not and you can tell after spending just a few minutes in them that you would never want to go back there unless forced to by a friend’s last dying wish. But Matheson’s is the kind of place where you just want to be.
Review Date: June 6th 2009