The New Locomotion Review 8.3
You Gotta Swing Your Hips Now..
You wouldn’t think that a torrent of bad train jokes and several poorly sung karaoke-esque rounds of Little Eva’s, “The Locomotion”, would make the long drive out to Mississauga quicker and for the most part side splitting funny. But that’s how it was on a dark summer night in July as we travelled once again deep into the mysterious unknown land that it’s inhabitants call, “Mississauga,” and with our native guide, “Tom Tom”, to help us on our journey, we drove past the club a few times wondering how to get back on track. ( yes… that IS a train joke … get used to them )
In theory, the club is pretty easy to find… you take Dixie or whatever North and South running street that crosses Matheson that tickles your fancy. Then just take Matheson East till you come to the lights at Satellite Dr. and if you’re very lucky…and tall, you’ll spot the club’s marquee between the crest of two grassy hills. If you’re unlucky (like us), the best way to find the club is to drive right past it. There will be a coffee shop called, “Java Joe’s”, and despite the fact that it closes a tad early for a coffee place, the sign is unmistakeable and all you have to do is turn in there and head to the other side of that plaza and pick out your parking space because you’ll be at the club. Parking is pretty plentiful for the New Locomotion with a few rows in front and since the plaza is closed at night you have the rest of those spots within easy walking distance and no shop keepers to gripe at you.
The outer appearance of the club is something that might surprise you a bit since it is very unassuming and quite “posh” for lack of a better word. Very clean, very neat and done in a very understated way to draw attention but at the same time it keeps those who should not be going to a place like this ( since it is in a plaza ) away. Inside, however, is something quite different altogether and as you pull back the big metal double doors, walk past the painted on train mural and stroll past their cafeteria counter, you’ll be greeted by an interesting sight. A cavernous, grey, concrete room adorned with the flags of MANY nations can be seen everywhere, and I think tells you (the customer) that all are welcome here and that they have every type of girl to satisfy any taste. The tables and chairs are your standard Costco brand, bulk buy type sturdy enough to hold you and give you some comfort but since the way this place operates is mostly on WOW factor, then anything else you’ll just be sitting on the edge of it.
Now… what do I mean by WOW factor? Picture this; you sit down at the table and your drinks come a little slow since everyone keeps shifting their chairs around and the three bachelor parties that are more or less renting the place out are mingling with each other and no doubt making it hard for the wait staff to keep track. The place is busy and full of activity yet your eyes are glued to the stage where a girl, who is going mostly unnoticed, is shaking her caboose (TRAIN JOKE!) and working for a living the only way a stripper knows how. Suddenly, she is off the stage and that part of the house goes black and you wonder, “What the fuck is going on?” as everyone in front of you is looking upwards and behind you. You and your party (who have finally ordered) turn your chairs around to see a lit up area just above and to the right of the bar at something you missed on your way in because quite frankly who the hell looks at the back of the house when there are strippers on stage? The DJ’s voice cracks in over the music and he lets you know that the show will start soon enough gentlemen and that the “victim” this time is the prospective groom from the Asian tables behind you full of half smashed businessmen in khakis and Doc Martins. They shout and cheer as they know what is going to happen but you don’t have a freaking clue and simply sip your drink as the music kicks back in and a man is led out without his pants on and tossed into a chair by two very naked and very beautiful blondes and the music swells as the shower starts and the show begins. The girls soak the groom down and no doubt get a little wet themselves as pseudo lesbian scenes and MANY different sexual positions are displayed in a little shower that is getting steamier by the second. The song ends and the girls keep going as another kicks in and they don’t disappoint either their captive groom or the crowds below as the hooting and cat calls echo off the walls and one arm chair handstand later, most people are standing if not all ready fully erect. That …. is WOW factor.
Apparently, anyone can enjoy a shower scene ,you just have to call ahead and make arrangements with the management so that they know when they have to keep the schedule open for it and to keep the girls happy by not having to cut one of their shows half way. As for the main stage it is pretty nice in it’s own right with a long mirrored back, a horizontal dancer pole for the girls to do some stretches on and two vertical poles with a 6 foot high mid shaft connecting them just in case one of the girls has a background in gymnastics and wants to show you that she still has what it takes. The girls are pretty and pretty wild as man after man fell victim to them and were led off to the darkly tinted VIP rooms where its 20 dollars a song with no cover charge.
All in all, the place is impressive for such a small club, and with their location so close to so many large and well established hotels in the area, they are probably doing very well for themselves. It seems the perfect place to have a bachelor party and if you just want to stop in for a drink and a show you probably would have just as good a time as we did. Of course, you might not have that damned song stuck in your head for the better part of a week now.
Review Date: July 18th 2009